Well, I know your waiting for a ring,Ease up little lady, see, I'm not promising anything

So why does your face have such control on my stomach?

Granted, I thought for a while there was something unresolved between the two of us, and I realized a while ago that it was actually quite resolved even when it wasn’t how I wanted it to be resolved. But it’s done. And it has been done for almost 3 years now.

And yet, you show up on when I look on Facebook chat, and my stomach literally moves. Tightens. Contorts. It’s almost as if the cast of Cirque de Sole is in my innards rehearsing.

And it’s not that I miss you, cause I don’t. I met you at a friend’s wedding and you laughed at me getting shut down from trying to get a drink from the bar, and then you brought me a Maker’s and Coke and we smoked and talked about how lame weddings are and how much the music sucked. Your wrote your number on my palm, but called me first.

You were fluent in French and played the piano wonderfully. You were “bi” but in all reality, you were straight. You smoked my favorite brand of cigarettes and you woke early up to make me breakfast and read the paper to me. You were a beautifully damaged person with a lot of issues. You told me about the night your mom drove you home and you cried to her drunk about how you wanted to kiss me, not boys, just me. And you broke a girl’s heart that you were with for 2 years to try something with me, so naturally I found you inviting. You offered me what I thought I needed. You weren’t. You were just what I wanted, as a somewhat naïve rising college freshman who was about to be alone in a state he had never lived in. We would have been 2 hours apart, and you would have kept fucking me and making me breakfast and we would have been fucked up together.

It’s not that I’m unhappy, cause I’m not. I’m not writing this to pine or cry, because I have something worlds beyond what you ever began to offer, and I honestly belive that you didn't work because Channing was supposed to. Essentially, you got yours, and I got mine, and I honestly think that if I had left you, this would be entirely different. So really, you got yours and then took mine.

So am I that self involved? Am I really Alice? Do I have to leave to feel ok?

When mentioning the people who where ex’s and “important”/damaging in my past to Channing, I listed four people: Cory Matthews, Reid Von Stelly, Charlie Hobbs, and Justin Brown. The last 3 left me, the middle two for girls, and I think that that is a huge part of my issue.

I realized today that I need to become more at peace with being left. People are allowed to come in and out of my life as easily and without strings as I do theirs. And this isn’t just guys I’ve dated, but people in my life in general. I cut people out with the best of them, but I am forever embittered when I am shown the same.

I have discovered a double standard I frequently enforce.

So. I need to stop leaving. Or accept being left.

Food for thought…