You think you seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine...

Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me;
'Lady Peaceful,' 'Lady Happy,'
That's what I long to be
All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win


So I just called and talked to Linda at Unto These Hills and we caught up and I am definitely going to go down to auditions.

I really need this job.

So I guess the more appropriate show number to post would be from A Chorus Line:

Paul:

Who am I anyway?
Am I my resume?
That is a picture of a person I don't know.
What does he want from me?
What should I try to be?
So many faces all around and here we go
I need this job, Oh God, I need this show.

New Year's yadayada

So.

I have many New Year’s Resolutions to be put into practice. Just a few:

1. Lose weight: Duh. Always a goal. But I am giving up soda actually in an effort to make this work. In theory, with all of the soda that I consume on a daily basis working in a restaurant where I get endless refills…I should cut out a lot of calories

2. Blog at least three times a week: My parents got me a laptop for Christmas and any time in my life where I have written more than once a week, I have not always felt happier, but at least I have felt expressed and like I was making progress with what was going on in my life.

3. Get at least 3 professional/public acting jobs in 2010: paid is not the operative word yet, just getting on stage in a public space and performing. It’s been over a year since I have been on stage and I am about to die. I feel so stifled as an artist.

4. Work on feeling guilty: I am a really easily made to feel guilty for the stupidest shit EVER, and I am sick of it. It started with my mother and continued with any close female friend or boyfriend I’ve had. I’m done. I’m an individual who is going to be confident in my own decisions and be ok with disappointing people. This is not saying I’m going to be a douche bag, it’s just that if I really DON’T want to hang out with you or if I’d really rather do something other than you planned, I am going to stand my ground. I’ve discovered a lot of my lying issues are tied to me being a doormat and people pleaser and that part of my life is over. 22 years is enough.

I also hope to catch up with people that I miss and hang out with people more. In being a part of a long term relationship (not Channing’s fault), I’ve become less social with people and have become more of a shut in. I want to get back to where I was before. Not necessarily the life of the party, because I have discovered that I am much more of an introvert than I thought, but defiantly going to a bar and having a few drinks with people.

I’m also set on moving somewhere in the not so distant future. Harrisonburg has served it’s place and purpose in my life, but I plan on moving by the end of my lease in August. Where? With who? Who the fuck knows.

But we all know I am ok with that sort of thing. Maybe across the country completely alone.

I’d love to move somewhere again where absolutely no one knows me.

Well, I know your waiting for a ring,Ease up little lady, see, I'm not promising anything

So why does your face have such control on my stomach?

Granted, I thought for a while there was something unresolved between the two of us, and I realized a while ago that it was actually quite resolved even when it wasn’t how I wanted it to be resolved. But it’s done. And it has been done for almost 3 years now.

And yet, you show up on when I look on Facebook chat, and my stomach literally moves. Tightens. Contorts. It’s almost as if the cast of Cirque de Sole is in my innards rehearsing.

And it’s not that I miss you, cause I don’t. I met you at a friend’s wedding and you laughed at me getting shut down from trying to get a drink from the bar, and then you brought me a Maker’s and Coke and we smoked and talked about how lame weddings are and how much the music sucked. Your wrote your number on my palm, but called me first.

You were fluent in French and played the piano wonderfully. You were “bi” but in all reality, you were straight. You smoked my favorite brand of cigarettes and you woke early up to make me breakfast and read the paper to me. You were a beautifully damaged person with a lot of issues. You told me about the night your mom drove you home and you cried to her drunk about how you wanted to kiss me, not boys, just me. And you broke a girl’s heart that you were with for 2 years to try something with me, so naturally I found you inviting. You offered me what I thought I needed. You weren’t. You were just what I wanted, as a somewhat naïve rising college freshman who was about to be alone in a state he had never lived in. We would have been 2 hours apart, and you would have kept fucking me and making me breakfast and we would have been fucked up together.

It’s not that I’m unhappy, cause I’m not. I’m not writing this to pine or cry, because I have something worlds beyond what you ever began to offer, and I honestly belive that you didn't work because Channing was supposed to. Essentially, you got yours, and I got mine, and I honestly think that if I had left you, this would be entirely different. So really, you got yours and then took mine.

So am I that self involved? Am I really Alice? Do I have to leave to feel ok?

When mentioning the people who where ex’s and “important”/damaging in my past to Channing, I listed four people: Cory Matthews, Reid Von Stelly, Charlie Hobbs, and Justin Brown. The last 3 left me, the middle two for girls, and I think that that is a huge part of my issue.

I realized today that I need to become more at peace with being left. People are allowed to come in and out of my life as easily and without strings as I do theirs. And this isn’t just guys I’ve dated, but people in my life in general. I cut people out with the best of them, but I am forever embittered when I am shown the same.

I have discovered a double standard I frequently enforce.

So. I need to stop leaving. Or accept being left.

Food for thought…

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?

So this weekend was really intense. Wonderful, but intense.

I still really suck at needing people, rather allowing myself to do so. And Channing works a whole lot harder at being open then I do, which is something I am working on. Well, I don’t know if he works harder or that it just comes easier. I honestly don’t know.

It really sucks that I have allowed myself to become so guarded as a person. I mean, a lot of people would argue that my being raped thing allows for it, but am I using that as a crutch? And I’ve had severe trust issues since I was 15 and my parents sent me to the de-gaying therapist and all that followed with that. And then a physically abusive boyfriend whose physical abuse was only topped by the mental abuse/mind fucking, 3 on top of that one that cheated on me, and then Justin, who I pulled these walls down for and then he proceeded to use it as leverage to manipulate the situation…and now Channing is stuck with all these walls to break down, or at least he has to sit around while I pull all of them down again.

And it’s not that I am reluctant to do it, because I want an open relationship as far as dialogue is concerned. I feel like that is healthiest, but I am just so quick to shut up and shove it all down. We were talking about my past drug use, and six separate times I said, “No, it’s fine, I just don’t want to talk about this anymore” when it felt like he was being judgmental or overly direct/blunt with his opinion of it. Same with my sex history, anything remotely private that I feel severely judged for, I put on the Tyler show until it’s over, and if you know me well enough to see through the Tyler show, I tell you I don’t want to talk about it.

But what do I do?

I love Channing, and honestly I believe that he has the best intentions and really cares. But without some level of alcohol, I am a closed book, and I feel damaged because of this.

Which hardly helps the problem.

Yesterday, we were talking about him moving to Richmond, and I want him here. Let’s be honest, I really want him here. Like, DESPERATLY. I love him and would welcome the opportunity to see him every day with open arms. But all these trust issues with Justin throwing that in my face (“Dude, he was such a fucking pussy “ to quote my always helpful roommate followed by “Does Channing know how big a deal it is that I friended him on Facebook? Justin tried like 4 times.” LOL) come rushing back and here I am trying to almost convince him not to do it.

Why?

Because I’m guarded. Because I am scared at the fact that I will have to let him in even more, and these walls are ultimately going to disappear. And then he’ll emotionally kick the shit out of me, and either leaves me bleeding or I will muster the last bit of strength to crawl away.

Here I am again, convincing myself to jump. Standing on the diving board. Water wings on. And I am looking down, and saying, “Though it doesn’t look like it, this has to be a kiddie pool.”

Lol.

I’m such a fucking pussy.
Fuck it.

first blog...

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.-----Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.


deej, I made this blog so I can keep up with your life. You busy bee.

And I might be addicted to blogging. Why would I say that? :

http://eastxofxeden.tumblr.com/

cause I already have one. and a twitter:

http://twitter.com/EastxofxEden

and a livejournal:

http://rbl-wo-a-cse.livejournal.com/

why do I feel the need to constantly express my ideas/inner emotions publicaly?

...

maybe I will write a blog about it.