Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?

So this weekend was really intense. Wonderful, but intense.

I still really suck at needing people, rather allowing myself to do so. And Channing works a whole lot harder at being open then I do, which is something I am working on. Well, I don’t know if he works harder or that it just comes easier. I honestly don’t know.

It really sucks that I have allowed myself to become so guarded as a person. I mean, a lot of people would argue that my being raped thing allows for it, but am I using that as a crutch? And I’ve had severe trust issues since I was 15 and my parents sent me to the de-gaying therapist and all that followed with that. And then a physically abusive boyfriend whose physical abuse was only topped by the mental abuse/mind fucking, 3 on top of that one that cheated on me, and then Justin, who I pulled these walls down for and then he proceeded to use it as leverage to manipulate the situation…and now Channing is stuck with all these walls to break down, or at least he has to sit around while I pull all of them down again.

And it’s not that I am reluctant to do it, because I want an open relationship as far as dialogue is concerned. I feel like that is healthiest, but I am just so quick to shut up and shove it all down. We were talking about my past drug use, and six separate times I said, “No, it’s fine, I just don’t want to talk about this anymore” when it felt like he was being judgmental or overly direct/blunt with his opinion of it. Same with my sex history, anything remotely private that I feel severely judged for, I put on the Tyler show until it’s over, and if you know me well enough to see through the Tyler show, I tell you I don’t want to talk about it.

But what do I do?

I love Channing, and honestly I believe that he has the best intentions and really cares. But without some level of alcohol, I am a closed book, and I feel damaged because of this.

Which hardly helps the problem.

Yesterday, we were talking about him moving to Richmond, and I want him here. Let’s be honest, I really want him here. Like, DESPERATLY. I love him and would welcome the opportunity to see him every day with open arms. But all these trust issues with Justin throwing that in my face (“Dude, he was such a fucking pussy “ to quote my always helpful roommate followed by “Does Channing know how big a deal it is that I friended him on Facebook? Justin tried like 4 times.” LOL) come rushing back and here I am trying to almost convince him not to do it.

Why?

Because I’m guarded. Because I am scared at the fact that I will have to let him in even more, and these walls are ultimately going to disappear. And then he’ll emotionally kick the shit out of me, and either leaves me bleeding or I will muster the last bit of strength to crawl away.

Here I am again, convincing myself to jump. Standing on the diving board. Water wings on. And I am looking down, and saying, “Though it doesn’t look like it, this has to be a kiddie pool.”

Lol.

I’m such a fucking pussy.
Fuck it.